Graduation is drawing near and i can feel myself urging to turn a new chapter to begin a new life, in a new environment, surrounded by new people. I feel like I finally get to reinvent myself, let loose, be who I wanna be, and become independent. I finally get to stop smiling in the peoples faces I've pretended to like for four years, and cut the ties to people who've been a negative influence. I get to take care of myself! With that being said...I'm struggling. Relationships have never been for me, whether friendships, kinships, or inimate relationships, my natural anti-social traits never allow me to remain happy. My friends come and go in phases. Besides a few (that I can count on one hand) each and everyone of my so called "best friends" have disappeared. Its okay, I'm used to it, but sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out, like I'm unlucky. Everyone around me is having fun while I'm busy being a loner. And even when I try to get out more, if it isn't with the right people I feel uncomfortable and out of place. I've completely deleted my father from my life. I sent him a final 15-page text basically telling him every bottled up emotion I've been having about him for 18 years, then finished off asking him to never speak to me again. He left me a voicemail saying he'd call me again to talk about it...but he never did, which let me know that I made the right choice. The point I'm actually trying to get at is with my boyfriend. We've been doing this thing for nearly two years now, and we've boiled down to the time where I'm preparing to leave for college...up until now I definitely planned on still being in a relationship with him but now i don't know. Lately, I've been in a pretty tough situation. I have these feelings of tired of being tied down to one person, tired of being in a relationship, tired of my life revolving just around him. I want to explore my options, but I don't want to move on. It's like I wanna have my cake and eat it too, which I know is not fair. Then I have these moments where I am absolutely in love with him, but the very next day I can hate him for no apparent reason, and he doesn't deserve that. Other than his lack of showing his emotions to me, or appreciating or relationship- there is not one thing he gives me to complain about. So why am I so delusional? Why can't I be normal, why can't I stay happy for one second? I have to find a problem in everything and pick at it until it blows up in my face, then I end up regretting it. Why, why, why. I get on my own nerves sometimes, like God throws this amazing guy in my life, and STILL i find every flaw in him, every reason to be unhappy with him. This is why I believe relationships are just not for me, i'm not cut out for them, but I've come to far now to try to just forget it all, to throw it all away. I've went and got my feelings all involved, my heart, my everything. I just can't forget everything we've built even though I want to so bad. I wish I could just stop the tape and start again, but I can't. So now what do I do? Break a innocent persons heart for my selfish desires, or do I stick around waiting for a change I know won't come? Do I brush it under the rug, or try to fix what's unfixable? I wish God gave clear answers, I feel like I'm in a fork in the road not knowing which one leads off of a cliff and which one leads to the garden...

Back off of my Hiatus!

Wow, God is SO good. I can't even begin to explain. But here's a little update: I plan to attend VCU in the fall, i've gotten my summer job to help pay for expenses, i've gotten 3 academic scholarships, became captain of the currently undefeated girls rugby team, which happens to be one of the first in the peninsula, and am still HAPPILY in my relationship of a year and a half<3

i'm really disappointed that a follower took information from my blog and spread it. this is my outlet, met for the privacy of me and my sincere readers. not for anyone to talk about and discuss. these are my open emotions and thoughts, a virtual diary, so right now i just feel betrayed and taken advantage of. i will no longer post any personal information about my life or thoughts. i will still answer questions, but that's it. i guess i'll just have to stick to pen and paper. i'm sorry to all my faithful readers, i love you all dearly. but this is just something that shouldn't have happened, and i won't let it happen again

a little case of dramatics last night guys lol

i'm just so sad and confused right now and this just isn't me. no not over a boy...
what is happening

my brain is just confused. sometimes i feel like i love him more than he loves me. its a terrible feeling. i know he's says he loves me, and that he cares, but saying it just isn't enough; and he does a terrible job in showing it. i feel like i want this perfect relationship so much that i think up this imaginary relationship where everything is just perfect, when in reality, its not. he doesn't do the things i wish he'd do. i'll send him 5-6 page messages pouring my heart out and all he'll say is "okay". never anything back. i always figured it was because he's not good with words but come on, you can do better than that. & its makes me feel bad because now i feel like now he's only in it for sexual reasons, thats one thing he doesn't mind talking about or showing. but that shit means nothing to me, its probably the least important thing in a relationship and all the important things, well he just doesn't do. i just feel stupid and gullible. i feel like a lowered myself to be someone i'm not. i just want a perfect relationship, and maybe its not meant to be with him, but i just can't bring myself to let it go. i've let myself go blind and think that our relationship was great when it wasn't. i've thought so long that he's the only one for me, now that i believe it so much that'll i'll play myself for it. what have i become? i regret it so much, if i could just go back a wait like i always said i would. but now, i can't take it back and i've spun a web of so many entangled and confused feelings that i no longer know what is true, what isn't. i just wanna disappear. i wish the whole relationship just wouldn't have happened. or maybe i'm just over-reacting. or this could be the truth that i've been blind to for so long. i wonder why i'm always the first one apologizing when in actuality i've done nothing wrong, always admitting my faults but yet my love for him, but i never get any of those things back. we just need to purge all the bad things from our relationship. all of the things i've held in so long that i no longer have the strength to hide anymore, or else this relationship will fail...for good.

so we're working it out. i always knew we would. whenever i say i'm done for good, i know i'm secretly lying. it's just when you put so much into someone, into something, its hard to let go of it over something petty. i'm all about second chances, third, forth, fifth chances, if that's what i wanna do- and its my say so, no one else's. of course i'm not gonna let anyone run all over me, but personally, i believe love is all about giving chances, reconciling, and fighting for the one thing you know to be true-the relationship and the love you have for that person. i will never be the person to give up on love. i'd rather lose love knowing that i went down with both arms swinging, fighting for something i felt was so important. and if it ends, i want the comfort of knowing that i did everything in my power to fix it and make it work, while the other person has to live with knowing that they didn't do enough. i don't think i've cried so much, i really just truly believe i reached my limit with him. where everything he did was wrong, and every word he spoke irritated my life. we'd argue and fight for hours. idk how many times i told him i hate him and hung up the phone..but one of us always ended up calling right back. it got to the point where we both forgot what and why we loved each other, both ready to throw the relationship away with no regrets and no intentions of looking back; but once those words were spoken, my emotions came flooding back and suddenly i remembered how much i valued our relationship. i know i'm stubborn, and selfish, and i always want my way whether i'm wrong or right (though i'm ALWAYS right) and i know he's selfish, cheap, inconsiderate and busy- and quite frankly, that's probably why we love each other. we know we aren't perfect, but we're willing to accept the flaws within us if that's what it will take to keep us together. so no we aren't dating again right now, we vowed not to do so until be both change for the better of our relationship. we set rules for each other, and until those rules are met, we will not risk damaging our relationship anymore by going out. sure, practically we still go out, but for us, not utilizing the label makes it a lot less stressful. we've gone through a lot with each other and he's really the only person i can 100% honest around. he makes me smile even when i don't want to and all i can think about is making him happy. i don't think i trust anyone more than i trust him, i probably trust him more than i do myself. he's a great person with tons of potential and a lot of things going for himself and i couldn't ask for a better person to spend my time with, to call my own. i'm willing to do any and everything to keep us strong, happy, and loving each other because i refuse to see what we have together die. we didn't meet and fall in love for nothing and i know our journey doesn't stop here. relationships aren't easy. no one said they would be. you have to be willing to fight because if you give up...well, you weren't ready for love anyway..